Soon to make the Spiritual Exercises

 AMDG

I, an expectant retreatant, to you, my friends.

I think it was in reading Fr. James Martin, SJ’s My Life with the Saints that I first heard about the “spiritual exercises” of St. Ignatius of Loyola. Fr. Martin recounted making the exercises as a novice at the retreat center in Massachusetts, giving me vivid images of the Atlantic ocean beating on grey, rocky outcroppings and shelves of books waiting quietly to sing praises to God. These exercises, called “the heart of the Jesuits,” would continue to show up in the narratives of Jesuits and non-Jesuits as I explored Catholic culture. You can read about them here, but suffice to say the exercises are more than your typical retreat. 30 days deep, they are real quality time with God, a period to tune your inner ear finely to that still, small voice and to give it your whole attention. And under the guidance of St. Ignatius of Loyola, they are a journey with landmarks, lessons, and decisions.

In 2018, a newsletter from IgnatianSpirituality.com recommended An Ignatian Prayer Adventure for Lent. It’s sort of a lite version of the exercises, which I recommend to anyone curious to give it a try. At that time, although I’d done occasional holy hours in adoration, this was my first regular commitment to an hour at a time of prayer (the minimum requirement). Here too, I have vivid memories: sitting in my parents’ unfinished basement after work, staring at wooden rafters and cobwebs, trying (and learning) to pray longer and imaginatively with the short prompts. It was definitely exercise! I remember Psalm 139, and the Two Standards. When Easter arrived, I lost the motivation to finish the last few days of the adventure. Even when I tried again a year or two later, the end of Lent seemed to be my breaking point for the required discipline.

When I was in the Jesuit discernment program, making the full exercises (the in-person, 30 day retreat) became one of my dreams. All Jesuit novices do this, as do novices of some other religious orders. It is a formational experience for one who wants to follow Jesus in a literal, total way. It’s also an opportunity to reflect deeply and decide whether to proceed with such a radical proposition. When I was no longer in the pipeline, but planning my own way, this was a dream that remained unaltered. The spiritual exercises are open to anyone, although doing them in person costs a small fortune.

A few things, including some letters of recommendation from friends, fell into place this fall which have enabled me to make the spiritual exercises beginning next week. I cannot adequately express my gratitude! To my employer, my parents, my references, my mentors, the retreat center staff: thank you.

The exercises mean a few things to me. For one, it is a participation in Jesuit culture. The exercises are part of the shared memory of the Jesuit body, and shared memories create shared identity. I’ll carry that tradition and receive that piece of identity.

Second, I’ll be sharing not only with the abstract body but with the contemporary life of the Society. I’ll be participating in the experience itself, creating new memories of Eastern Point Retreat House in community with lay people, mature religious, and novices.

More importantly, I want the exercises to bring me closer to God. I am convinced that it will. Practically, I see the exercises as a preparation for life to come: if I am to go on mission, if I am to be an advocate, leader, and servant, I need spiritual resources. Yet much of my desire is less practical and more heartfelt. I desire God. I desire closeness with the one who made me, the one for whom I am made, the one who is goodness and the source of all goodness.

Finally, the exercises can be a time to discern. When I applied, I didn’t think I would have any major decisions to make. I was confident about serving abroad and I was confident about private vows, although I figured I could revisit these choices. In this moment, though, I’m not as sure. I’ve been dwelling on some friends and events I’ll miss if I leave the country. And at least every December I’m reminded what a romantic soul I am. I also wouldn’t mind some direction as to whether I should dedicate attention to creating legitimate, para-religious pathways for trans persons versus finding a suitable religious order that would simply receive me, or the third option of letting God arrange all that and dedicating all my attention to righteous work. I expect the exercises to crack me open like a walnut, so I’m sure this and much more will be exposed to God’s perfect light.

So, please join me in gratitude and thanking God for this incredible opportunity to make the exercises. My retreat begins the night of 1/3 and ends the morning of 2/6.

Joyfully,

Your Other Brother

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