Preparation for Orientation and Formation

 AMDG

I, a green new candidate for a literal kind of discipleship, writing with bags packed and sandals on my feet, to you, disciples in every stage and place of life.

            During my long retreat I reflected on the holy family’s flight into Egypt. I was impressed by the way they picked up and left everything behind. Joseph, a carpenter, surely had a workshop, tools, and materials which he had accumulated over a lifetime and used for his livelihood. But at God’s instruction he packed up what he could carry and left. He had such freedom! Reflecting on my own preparations to join a mission organization, I feel that I have some of this freedom, and yet my situation is different. I have had a long time to prepare.

            My preparations have involved all kinds of administrative and logistical tasks. I have gotten vaccines and blood tests, completed paperwork, wrapped up projects and left my job, dabbled in Portuguese, and so on. The disposition of my material possessions has consumed a huge amount of time and energy as I have sought to downsize, donate many things where they would be appreciated, and put my house under management. The downsizing brought challenges which I prayed through. I framed some such exercises as giving away my treasures. My musical instruments and gear, for example, artifacts of golden times now past, will benefit the local middle school instead of lurking in my bedroom like a dragon’s hoard. Other exercises of downsizing were simply moments of letting go: the last of my cat supplies, some mementos, all my garden and yard tools... things I don't need. It mostly felt good. Freeing.

            There have also been social preparations. I tried to see many of my friends “one last time” and to make arrangements for an adoptive grandmother and my tenants. I realized that I’d assumed that I would walk away from my community the way I’d walked away from other places I’ve lived before. Not so. Instead, as I shared my good news this summer and said goodbyes this fall, I learned that people really would miss me. I learned about the gifts I have that have an impact wherever I go – a spirit and way of doing and being that I evidently undervalue. Knowing that people will miss me, I have had to reckon with guilt. On the flip side, when people have been genuinely happy for me, I have experienced gratification. I want people to celebrate with me! Having rediscovered how much my parish is a part of me, I know that they will remain a part of me. I accept that my grandmothers are really my grandmothers. My brothers and sisters are really my brothers and sisters. I am not going to just cut my ties and fly from the nest. The parish is sending me; sending a part of itself. One body, broken and shared.

            In between the innumerable preparatory tasks, I finally began to pray for this year’s cohort of candidates and for the staff. Lots of wheels are in motion for us to experience orientation and formation and pass on to our mission assignments. I’m also praying for those who have dropped out since the spring. And I’m praying for the graces I think I’ll need. I ask for prudence to exercise and pray, to set myself up for success, and to draw the spiritual exercises into this journey. I ask for a little extra caution in what I say and where I go. I ask for social graces.

            I ask for patience. Patience with others. Patience with myself.

            I ask for a spirit of joy. Someone recently told me that it’s important to operate from a place of healing and not of wounding. This has been an ongoing conversion for me. Joy is important; it has come up again and again for me in prayer and reflection. Right now, I have the joy of discipleship: I have heard Jesus, the great teacher, the Messiah, the Lord, the one whom I love, call me to follow him on the road, and here I am following.

            I ask for flexibility. Sometimes people regard me as easy going. Then they get to know me! In prayer on Saturday, while preparing for confession, I asked God what I needed to repent from. Rigidity. It meant the need to have things my way, for things to be done right, for things to be up to my standards. Thinking back over my high-stress last week of packing and preparations, I thought I understood. But Saturday evening I had a first conversation with a missioner in Brazil. The conversation provided practical insights and was full of minor challenges and corrections to my plans and expectations, the biggest being that when I go to Brazil I won’t be able to start language school for nearly two months due to their summer break. It made me uneasy. I was finally starting to feel how challenging this adventure is going to be, and for the first time in a long time I second guessed what I was doing. Only later did I recognize rigidity at the root of my worries. So I remind myself to be a disciple, following Jesus according to his plan and his ways, not my plan or my ways.

            These months of preparations have been characterized by my detail-oriented, scrupulous planning and the resultant busyness and stress. They have also been characterized by appreciation for so many beautiful things in my life; great gratitude and wonder at the open door and reciprocated “yes” in my vocational journey; and a great warmth of love shared between my best friends and my church and I.

So, I offer gratitude for all the people who have given me good counsel these last few weeks, all those who have accompanied me thus far, all those who continue to pray for me. We belong to one another, and inasmuch as you have poured yourself into me, you are coming with me. I appreciate your prayers and welcome your prayer intentions – I am certainly praying for some of you already.

            Peace,

            Your Other Brother

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