Compare and Despair

AMDG

I, a pilgrim through the classrooms of life, to you, fellow students, sojourners, teachers, and staff. I am three weeks into my orientation and formation program. I’m here with 7 other candidates for mission life in sort of a miniature retreat house, a little campus of rooms with a well-appointed kitchen and dusty courtyard. Instead of a chapel, we have the large church next door. Instead of grounds, we have the surrounding neighborhoods and city center. I fall asleep in between the roar of street racers and I wake up to the coo of doves and the slow crescendo of morning traffic.

This is all just the setting, of course for the real stars of the experience: my cohort. I had been nervous about how we would get along and how I would do in community, but my fears were totally unnecessary. These folks are easy going, kind, caring, compassionate... all the sort of people who want to love others, beginning with the person right in front of them. One man is often sliding affirmations into his conversations with me. One woman is brimming with deep parental love and the patience of a desert mystic. Some candidates are managing everything and also providing for their children, without a whisper of complaint. They make living together easy, and they inspire me.

At the same time, receiving instruction in Catholic Social Teaching, hearing about different social issues and responses, and reflecting on how to be good have stirred up my perfectionism. I hear voices of my own creation on all sides giving me more advice than I can handle. It’s something I continue to process.

Last weekend I wanted to attend confession. It was scheduled from 3:30-4:30 at the church next door, and when I showed up at 3:20, entering the quiet nave through a side door, there were already 20 people in line! I got to the front at exactly 4:30, but fortunately the priest received me. Those 70 minutes of reflection were a great gift. While we all shuffled patiently forward, I could slow down. I could see the diverse fashions of the people ahead of me and wonder about them. I could touch the strong, carved wood of a small pillar as I passed. My eyes kept coming back to the supersized, painted statue of Jesus with the Sacred Heart standing behind the altar. I meandered through an examination of conscience, and thoughts came to me.

One revelation was that I’ve been judging myself in comparison to others. I don’t know if I’ve ever realized this before, but for lack of any objective standard, I rate myself according to the average. Now that I’m living with a bunch of good people who are probably trying their hardest to be good, that standard is pretty high and I’ve been feeling very insecure.

The alternative which God spoke into my heart as I looked at the open air of the sanctuary, the sunbeams, and the Sacred Heart, was to lose myself in God. When I love and trust God my Creator, I am more loving and accepting of myself as I am and more at peace that God is continuing to make me. If my eyes are on God, I will know what is important to be or to change better than if my eyes are on God’s other creatures. Moreover, from this place of humility, confidence, and peace which come from faith and identity in God, I am better able to see us all collectively as the body of Christ. I can behold others’ talents with wonder and great gratitude without making it about me. I can let them be them. And in their diversity and abundant graces, I can see more of God.

I hope that all of us can be wrapped up in God, who imbues us with the graces we need.

Happy All Souls’ Day.

Peace,

Your Other Brother

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