Jean Valjean: Who Am I?

AMDG

I, a soul who has come so far and struggled for so long, who would conceal himself for evermore and pretend he is not the man he was before; to you, my friend on the stage of life, bearing wounds I will never see and fighting battles I cannot imagine.

I intended to write in this blog much more about my spiritual formation, but am finding that I share rather more of my thoughts and experiences. Like Peter and John in Acts 3, this is what I have, and so this is what I will give.

I love the musical Les Miserables. After seeing the film adaptation in 2012, I read an English translation of the book by Victor Hugo (over the course of 4 years. It was a big book.). The movie is one which I come back to again and again. It is spiritually transfixing and emotionally cathartic, and I relate to so many of the characters: Javert for his moral perfectionism, Jean Valjean for his ceaseless hard work, Enroljas and his band for their fervor, Cosette for her shelteredness, Marius for his earnestness and his foolishness…

The last time I played the movie, I was transfixed by the song “Who Am I?”, sung by Jean Valjean. By this time in the plot, Valjean has started a new life under the name Madeleine. He has left behind his history as a petty criminal and parolee and has become a highly successful businessman and mayor whose factory employs basically an entire town. He has turned a page from a dark chapter to a light one. But Mr. Madeleine learns that another man is to be sentenced for Valjean’s crimes. Suddenly his easy, clean restart becomes wrapped in a moral dilemma. The baggage he thought he left behind becomes a secret he is holding at another’s expense.

You can see my connection. Being trans was for me a door which I passed through and left behind, along with my birth certificate and childhood photos. Buried, done. Life continued. But I am in this moment of seeing others in peril and asking myself, “who am I?” Jean Valjean gives me courage because he acknowledges the truth of both his past and present: he is truly the mayor, truly a master of hundreds of workers, truly a benefactor. He is also truly someone who spent 19 years of his life in a labor camp. The one does not invalidate the other.

When have you kept secrets? When have your secrets threatened your own sense of self? May God give us the grace to know ourselves, and to see ourselves as he sees us. Please pray for me as I struggle in this time of bearing that which was buried, and let me know how I can pray for you. I am here.

Peace,

Your Other Brother. 

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