By this time in another life

 AMDG

I, a servant of the Lord, joyful to do his will despite the hardships that have come so far, to you, my brothers, sisters, neighbors, strangers. Grace and peace to you wherever you are.

If things had gone differently last summer, that is, if I were allowed to apply to join the Jesuits, I would have submitted my application over the summer or fall. It probably would have been reviewed at the December candidate review board meeting. This is bold to say, but birth-sex aside I think my application would have been approved. I would now be in the interview process, speaking with Jesuits, doing evaluations, and attending retreats, all the while anticipating an August 2023 entrance to the novitiate.

How different things would be.

As I suspect has come across in my writings, I have experienced blessings upon blessings this fall and winter. At some point over the winter I also got so absorbed in some personal projects and daydreams that my mission in the church took second fiddle. But the sun has risen, “the river is just a river,” and the bells are ringing once again in my ears. Yet now I can say with another vision, how different things could be.

A vocation is not a mathematical thing. It is a calling. Some of that calling may be to a way of life, and some of that calling may be to action. At times my heart aches to live in community, to be part of that picture, part of that chorus of voices. At those times, being only an associate or a friend is not enough. It is a lonely prospect. But at other times, as I perceived clearly at mass recently, whether or not I claim the title is the most trivial thing. To know God, to love God, and to serve God are the most important. The careful formation, the vows, community life... these are all means, all support structures to help us do God’s work.

If God has given me a mission, God will give me what I need to accomplish it. I am beginning to see that “my story,” as my friend calls it, may be a part of that. There is some strange confluence of God’s permissive will and God’s perfect will here.

So yes, my life looks very different now than it might have if the Jesuits took my hand. I have been incredibly humbled. I have fallen into entirely new mission circles. I have met wonderful and inspiring people. I have let go of some big things and grown that much closer to God. I am no closer to fluency in Spanish or learning theology or not having to cook my own meals. I still have no idea what I am doing with my life, but I am following the fresh air and have this conviction that, in concert with all my fellow servants, I will be a part of a glorious unfolding if I follow this path.

I pray for discernment for all those struggling even now. And for you, I ask also for peaceful mornings when you wake up wrapped in God’s loving embrace.

God chooses you.

Pray for me.

Peace,

Your other brother

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