Purity of Heart

 I, a sinner held up by grace, led on my unique path to holiness by the hand of the Creator, to my brothers and sisters, in whom God delights to grow all the diversity of virtues.

I had the opportunity this summer to see a garden of lotuses in bloom. Lotus flowers are beautiful in their own right and steeped in religious and cultural symbolism. The plants grow in marshy pools, but the leaves and petals are hydrophobic so they shed all the muddy water. When the buds open, the robust flowers seem to glow of their own accord, standing in stark contrast to the entropic murk all around. It is as if to say, life is messy, but we can be pure of heart.

Yes, this message impressed itself strongly upon me. For one thing, it harmonized with another lesson I have been learning the last few weeks. I decided to be active in LGBTQ issues soon after falling out of the vocation program out of a natural passion to help future generations of trans would-be-religious. And yet tied up in this is the flickering dream of finding a way for myself to enter religious life. What I realized a few weeks ago is that struggling for my own place is a desolating experience. On the psychological side, this could be because there is a greater emotional investment and a greater risk of disappointment. But through a spiritual lens, I know I have been called to accept the mystery of the cross and trust God to redeem it. I don’t mean to use faith as a redirection from facing my challenges, but rather I sense that I am straining unnecessarily. In pursuit of my own interests, I am shouldering a yoke that’s not mine and it’s bringing me weariness, restlessness, and hopelessness. Yet when I leave my own fate with God and advocate for others, I am content, clear-minded, motivated, and hopeful. There is again that sense of rightness.

In another way, I am grappling with purity of heart toward the broader “Pride” movement. During June I was examining my strongly conflicted feelings toward attending Pride events. I realized that although I want to love and support all LGBTQ people, and although I conceptually accept different sexualities, gender identities, and expressions, I’m still phobic toward much of the culture. My aversion to Pride has less to do with fear of being judged unorthodox and more to do with being judged as belonging to the unfair, othering stereotype which I myself apply toward faceless LGBTQ people. It’s a selfish reservation, a reluctance to pour myself out, an attachment to my image and my control of that image. With practice, I’m getting better at letting that go, but it’s always a conscious effort. I desire to be totally open to respond to God’s call, to love God and neighbor without reservation, but Grace has a lot of work to do in me yet.

Finally, I found the purity of heart lesson on a bridge on a summer night. I had finished work. I had been to the grocery store. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet. But as I was driving home the setting sun began to light up the wispy clouds pink and orange. Without hesitation, I turned in to a little park overlooking the river and walked down the path to stand on a bridge. To my right, silhouetted birds swooped over the scrub and a red wing blackbird kept watch. Below me, a turtle and two beavers carried on their business. I could even see water skippers doing what water skippers do on a Friday night. And the lazy waters reflected the brilliant cerulean and pink of the sky which blazed above, at once modest and incomparable. Other local people were out, too, enjoying the evening with friends and dogs and fishing poles. I was there with God, on a surprise date. In the slow moments, my industrious mind suggested a few different worries which I could continue to chew on, but they didn’t hold a candle to what was before me. Better to enjoy the moment. To allow myself to be captivated by God.

Therein lies happiness. Therein lies peace. Therein lies the strength and will to carry God’s love into the world.

lily pads float in easy disorder on murky water reflecting a lightly overcast sky. A flawless, snow white lotus flower has spread its petals just above the water.

I am so blessed by your prayers. Please continue! I pray for you, for us, for the church. Don’t be shy about sharing prayer intentions with me. God notices when we pray together.

Peace,

Your Other Brother

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