The race

 AMDG

I, one swept up in the tumult of a busy life, to you, my fellow swept up, busy people. Greetings amidst the dust and the chaos. I hardly sat down to write in September. My Sunday mornings were spent recovering from putting down one of my cats, meeting a friend for a mass in his language, and writing to my bishop since he told me to “keep in touch” (Dear Your Excellency… I hope you have been enjoying the fine weather). While I don’t like the strain of having so much to do that I have to neglect things I like, I do find a satisfaction in seeing so many wheels turning.

I am a visual person, so imagine this with me: I have a front “porch” consisting of concrete steps and an awning with just enough room on either side of the front door to leave a patio chair. I sit there a lot during work, especially on cool days when the afternoon sun feels good. Right next to the steps I have canna lilies, which are tall plants bearing large, bright red flowers. Occasionally hummingbirds will visit the cannas, and it’s always a magical moment. The bright greens and reds and every other color lit by the sun, the warmth, the breeze, the background sights and sounds all around me. It makes me so happy, so content with my American dream life.

I see a humility in being content with what is very good.

A few weeks ago, standing on my front porch, tasting Heaven as I watched a hummingbird sip nectar on a sunny day, I thought to myself that I could enjoy this moment forever. But with that thought came a quiet buzz. A whispered alarm.

The other week I met a few great people: I had a conversation with Sr. Luisa Derouen, OP; I got a return DM from Fr. James Martin, SJ; I met up with a local long-time advocate; and I unexpectedly encountered a woman of great Jesuit spirit. I was busy but refreshed, and throughout that week I was fired up to write something public about hope—hope for trans people in the church. And I also saw the steps that should come first: a double-handful of people I have yet to come out to personally, and coming out within my parish as well. Besides wanting to give the people closest to me the courtesy of priority, it would be premature to claim acceptance when, in fact, this is a large assumption on my part. So I have things to do.

I recently got to ask Fr. Martin (in a better forum than Facebook Messenger) how he balances peace and urgency, which in retrospect is the same question that was on my mind when I started writing this post. Fr. Martin came back to what I had tried to acknowledge and set aside: that it is in fact on God’s time. In my own words, if I have faith in God, if I have fear of the Lord, I can and will accept—fully accept—God’s time, God’s pace, God’s plan. I got so much peace out of that! Although I have never set a target date for my aspirations, sometimes the “doer” takes over a little and I start working as if I am on a timeline. But without seeing God’s ink on the page, my subconscious fills in the blank timeline with vague urgency.

Peace and urgency are in tension, but it’s not like the brake and the gas. It’s a both/and. God beyond a doubt shows me tasks to do and areas to explore, and I should pursue those with the diligence of an obedient son. But I’m not pulling down work orders in a race to completion. Truly, that is God’s plan. I can live in peace, and in fact in great joy, trusting in God’s plan and providence. And that faith opens me to great happiness in the little ways God invites me to participate.

Pray for me! I’m praying earnestly for a spirit of unity, fraternity, and inspiration amidst the synodal gathering in Rome. And we continue to pray for peace in all the war-torn communities of our world. St. Francis of Assisi, pray for us.

Peace,

Your Other Brother

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