Let it Go

 AMDG

I, a seeker after the richness of God’s being, transfixed by the beauty of creation and the mystery of human life, to you, reader, seeker, pilgrim. Peace, hope, and grace to you on this morning of Lent. I am taking a break from outreach, which is going steadily. I have received a few warm or mild responses so far, which is encouraging. I only pray that the church may continue to learn by encounter, prayer, and reflection; and that she be protected from a spirit of fear.

What I’m writing about is something else.

If you would have asked me how I was doing this January, I would have tried, with great feeling, to explain an odd sensation I had. An okay numbness. A strange peace. The absence of familiar pain. If you’ve ever fractured a rib, you know that it’s quite painful to cough or to laugh, for months. You get used to it. I remember the first time I coughed, and it didn’t hurt. This was similar, but different. I realized that the old wound of rejection had finally scarred over. Where it used to throb and twinge, now it was only tender when prodded. I was grateful. Or maybe I was just tired of hurting. But I know that it’s healing making its slow course, God’s grace at work transforming, growing, and renewing. Uneventful, nondramatic, profound.

Perhaps it was because of this peace and healing of recent memories that I was able to mine deeper. Out of the restlessness of the prior year I had dredged out this phrase, “self acceptance.” I’m not sure what it means to you (that would be a conversation I’d love to have). For me it was loaded with some complexity that made it slippery to grasp. Only several weeks ago did I finally unpack it with God.

I think that some people define self-acceptance as acceptance of one’s personality, or identity. That has never been an issue for me; in this sense self-acceptance has been indistinguishable from self-understanding. I knew myself. There was no process of rejection versus acceptance, only an unfolding self-awareness which I took as naturally as the evidence of my bodily senses. Rather, when I think of self-acceptance, it means something bigger than the interior self. It’s my life. My situation. It’s my childhood, my body, my trauma. The limitations I still struggle with. All the things I feel I missed out on… This last one is what’s so sticky. I’ve been holding on to so many missed experiences like unforgiven debts. I’ve been clutching fistfuls of “I owe you”s as if defiantly claiming that one day life will give me what I demand. I would write a few down to share, but even giving them ink seems to give them power they don’t deserve.

One of the great lies of unforgiveness is that by forgiving you are losing something.

The truth is, these things aren’t going to happen. I need to let them go. In fact, I don’t want to carry them around anymore. When my hands are open, they are free to fold in prayer, to receive, to reach out.

My parish has a theme for Lent: “Let it Go.” We have a wooden box in front of the altar with these words on it, and during Lent we are welcomed to write down on a slip of paper what we’re letting go of. I’m writing down (on a full sheet) all these things I’m carrying around, all these things I’ve missed out on, with intention. Before the Triduum I’ll put it in the box, and then, in the company of my parish, I’ll watch it burn in the Pascal fire along with all the other baggage we’re letting go of.

When Mary of Magdala was clinging to the robes of Jesus at the empty tomb, Jesus told her, “Mary, you have to let go.” She has to let go of the past Jesus she wants in order to receive the resurrected Jesus. To receive what’s new.

The day after all of this came to me, while out on a hike after visiting an isolated friend, I was overawed by the splendor of the scene. So aware of God’s abundant life and promise. And in that context, it was easy to crumple up my attachments and throw them over my shoulder.

So I let go and I ask God to fill me up and help me keep my eyes on the grace and mission and satisfaction of today. May God bless you abundantly in this Lenten season and the eternal Easter season.

Peace,

Your Other Brother

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