First Vows
AMDG
I, a hopeful follower of Christ, to my brothers, sisters, siblings, mothers, and fathers. I am grateful, so grateful, for the community that has made me. For each of you. This morning during mass I could feel my heart beating. It was a tangible reminder of the symbolic gift I want to make. My heart is only one heart, corporal, small, and limited, yet capable of the greatest miracles through the grace of God. What I have copied below I wrote mainly for myself, and ultimately for God. It is part aspiration and part declaration, a prayer and a promise to do my best.
Peace,
Your Other Brother
Introduction
The ultimate rule of life is the
following of Christ proposed in the Gospels. Each person is a uniquely created
child of God, called to be loved and to love, to grow closer to God and in so
doing to become more purely themself. This growth, however, may be greatly
hindered by the abundance of distractions and deceptions which come from within
and from without. My heart burns with love for its Creator and compels me on
the apostolic road. I choose to make private vows of poverty, chastity, and
obedience out of devotion to Jesus who was poor, virginal, and obedient.
Although I am always free to live a good life, I make these vows as a symbol of
my full commitment and as a public* declaration to which I may
be held accountable.
The following of Christ can be
quite a broad target. To me it means living increasingly for the Lord and the
Lord’s people. It means being animated by divine love and the descendent
virtues. It means witnessing freely to God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as
I have known them in my life. It also means accepting correction humbly and
earnestly and rejecting idols, such as increase and consumption**, my body, my plans, and
especially perfection.
In this following, I hope to shed
some of the false self and realize more of the true self: the unique, wonderful
person God made me to be. I will here identify some of my personal charism, as
it is known to me today, in loving gratitude so that I may later discern what
is nurturing these gifts from God and what is withering them.
The first
gift is a powerful, rich, provident love of God. Oriented toward the Primary,
this is my devotion to God; to my Creator, to my Jesus, and to the Holy Spirit.
It is my sense of being close to God at all times. It is my desire to know and
to love God more and more all my life, to never be separated from God, and to
follow and imitate the Lamb. Perfected, this will mean preferring nothing to
the love of God. Oriented toward creation, especially God’s children, this
love is apostolic. Perfected, it is love that acts, faith that compels, joy
that shares! I want to elevate others’ dignity by bringing them into awareness
of their belovedness, into greater knowledge and love of God, and into
communion with the church. I want to embody God’s love.
The second
gift is purity of heart, or at least the desire for and orientation toward
such. In my actions and omissions, my thoughts, and even the movements of my
heart, I yearn to move from a place of goodness and perfect love. I disdain
every evil spirit and beg for the grace to know those which make their home in
me. My heart abounds with gratitude and praise!
The third
gift is to walk barefoot in the grass. To experience the beauty and wonder in
simple things like nature and dancing. To feel an abundant, childlike joy in my
heart. To be vulnerable, open, and present, touching and feeling what is around
me. And to be content with simplicity, for truly what I have is enough.
With this
in mind I make vows. Because God has seen fit that I should not enter into a
permanent state of life, neither shall I make permanent vows. Thus I balance freedom
from restrictive finality with the freedom of total commitment, making these
vows for one year with the expectation of renewal each year. As will be seen,
these vows are not a strict or lengthy set of rules, but primarily goal posts with
a few clear guidelines to help me in the way of freedom and conversion.
I will proceed to outline my
thoughts and intentions with regard to Poverty, Obedience, and Chastity, but first
make one last introductory remark, this time on the vital importance of prayer.
Prayer is communication with the Divine. Inasmuch as God is love, and all love
comes from God, prayer is the conduit by which we are charged with love and
become love. Prayer is the preference which inspires and enables poverty,
chastity, and obedience. In practice, it gives one the upper hand over illusion
and temptation and leads to virtue. On consideration, it is the undeserved
reward of life in the presence of God.
Poverty
Amen I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to
enter the kingdom of Heaven. – Mt 19:24
Like many others, I have long been
struck by the Gospel exhortations to a lifestyle of poverty and free service. I
sense devious temptation in the pursuit of wealth and treasure. For me, the ideal
of poverty is to be empty: empty like a singing bowl which is ready to resonate
its clearest sound at the touch of the master. To be so empty, I must trust and
rely on God like a simple creature. Through my vow, I renounce that which is
coming between me and God, yet do not war against the realities of life or deny
the true value of goods. Specific context, efficacy, and efficiency take
precedence over legalism. The vow helps counteract the desire to own and
control. Its purpose is availability.
With
possessions, I aim to be free like the holy family in their flight to Egypt or
the disciples when Jesus sent them out. I should not have something that
becomes more a hindrance than a help in the following of Christ, and I should
be ready to leave material things behind. What I do own belongs to God, and
thus to God’s children. I should steward it responsibly and generously, “with
the task of making it fruitful and communicating its benefit to others.” (CCC
§2402-2405)
With regard to money, I will not
make job choices based on money unless, in the absence of clear direction from
God, it becomes apparent that lack of money will become an overbearing hindrance
to the work God has given me. Savings may be fine to have and build, but if
love calls me to a job in which I cannot save, that may also be fine. Conversely,
in times of abundance, I must not save in excess but should steward my future
in the same spirit of practical poverty and prefer to share what I have with
the poor.
A final
dimension of poverty is that of ego. I renounce selfish ambition and will not
concern myself with climbing, status, or accomplishments. I have long sought capital
in this regard, but will now accept that what God has not allowed me to
possess, God has also provided or will provide from his own hand. I accept the poverty
of not having religious status and belonging. I accept the poverty of not
receiving a formal “formation.” I accept the poverty of not being part of an
“organized body.” And I accept the poverty of not having the stability which comes
with a permanent state of life.
In
conclusion, I should seek both to keep myself “in business” and also to spend
every dollar on mission work. I will exercise prudence without greed and may
look to the example of Joseph stewarding the resources of Egypt. In the case of
money, possessions, and the like, an appropriate standard of poverty is the
lifestyle of the local working class. I should recognize aspiration and want
and discern whether God is better served by schooling the heart or by acquisition.
Remember,
my soul, that God is enough.
Obedience
When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the
shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them,
“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” So he
said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find
something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the
number of fish. – John 21:4-6
Obedience is the fruit of humility,
that capital virtue. I understand it to mean being small of ego and being aware
of yourself as relative. Obedience offers freedom to accept that the opinion of
another is more probable than your own. More than the mechanical fulfilment of
orders, it is to strive for perfect understanding, willing, and execution.
Conventionally, this would be the understanding, willing, and execution of the
will of a religious superior. In the absence of such a formal structure, I find
myself both more available to the public and also more directly reliant on God.
With regards to discerning a
“command,” then, discretion is required. I ought to offer perfect submission to
one who is perfectly aligned with God. Someone whom I know is praying,
considering, and passing on inspiration from God, or someone whom God has
placed in a position of superiority over me, is a good approximation. Accordingly,
I ought to make myself known to those whom God has chosen for authority, such
as the local pastor or bishop. Yet my availability to those outside of this
hierarchy seems even more important, for God did not place me within the
hierarchy but outside of it. My vowed but free state of life lends me to those
around me. I ought to proceed ever in a spirit of humility, with a disposition
of listening, openness, and readiness tempered by knowledge and wisdom.
“Genuine obedience considers not
the person to whom it is offered, but Him for whose sake it is offered” (Const.
¶ 84). Thus it is that one may obey a cashier or a cardinal with the same
reverence, for the reverence is in truth given to God. God whose image is
before me. In reverence, I pursue an integrity of obedience which includes
attitude. Obedience must come from a spirit of love. It should not come from a
spirit of fear, nor one of grudging duty. Having made a discernment and choice,
I proceed with joy.
In addition to accepting what I am
to do, I also accept what I cannot do with peace, love, and humility. Now I
must make some specific declarations. Father Ignatius suggests that sickness is
a gift no less than health because it provides the opportunity for spiritual
development and the edification of one’s companions through the demonstration
of virtue. I treat being transgender in the same way, accepting the mystery of the
pain, blessing, and redemptive grace which are all wrapped up in this physical
condition and all its ramifications. Moreover, having left all concern about
myself to my Creator, God, and Love, in humility and obedience, I freely accept
that I may not be part of formal religious life, either temporarily or likely
ever. I am grateful and joyful for God’s plans.
In conclusion, my vow of obedience
centers on cultivating a spirit of humility. I continue always to pray, to listen
to God and to be obedient to what he speaks directly into my heart. I will hold
myself accountable to what is revealed to me in prayer by writing down what
seems important and following up at intervals. I also look for the word of God
in those around me without overestimating people’s godliness. I will share my
prayerful discernments with a spiritual director or equivalent, trusted person
for counsel. Ultimately, as shown in the example of Jesus, obedience is about
discerning what is right and following through.
Remember, my soul, that God is first.
Chastity
“I will go after my lovers,” she said, “who will give me
my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.”
She did not know that it was I who gave her the grain,
the wine, and the oil, and who lavished upon her silver and gold that they used
for Baal. – Hosea 2:5,8
Poverty, obedience, and chastity
all run through each other, overlapping with and supporting one another
harmoniously. I find chastity to be the most abstract, and rightly the most
beautiful, of the three. In a general sense, chastity is being true to your
vocation. Often reduced to mean not having sex outside the marriage bed, I
think it means more. It means purity and clarity of heart. It means not only
not going after idols and other “lovers” but positively loving Jesus, the
Father, and the Holy Spirit so much that these other things don’t attract me. Finally,
it means knowing who I am. The evil spirit uses subtle lies and insecurities to
peel me away from my Creator and True Love, but when I rest in God’s truth, I
rest easily in God’s embrace.
Little
needs to be said about physical desires. I should follow the teachings of the
church for a single person, finding healthy, constructive ways to engage my
body, my energy, and my need for touch, while allowing my focus to be on God
and mission.
With regard
to relationships, my intention is that God will be my first relationship. Ideally,
it is to God that I want to say good morning, to God that I want to send texts
during the workday, with God that I want to linger after dinner. Accordingly, I
will not seek a mortal romantic partner nor let such a prospect disruptively occupy
my thoughts. Further, I place my loyalty and identity in Christ above all. Thus
I follow God freely, not seeking my family’s glory or approval. In truth, as
God has adopted me, so do I strive to adopt all God’s family as my own.
I strive
for total devotion to God: I turn to God as the source of my comfort and
assurance. In doing so, I develop healthier, freer relationships with others.
A final
element of chastity is the conversion of the ego. What I have mentioned already
as an offering of poverty and obedience I see yet more deeply as a matter of
chastity. I have sought my bread and oil, wool and flax, from those whom I
found desirable. Yet I now vow that I shall not desire an institutional
“formation” more than God’s formation, nor shall I desire integration into a
body which is not given to me. Rather, I honor the unique path which God, my Lover,
has chosen for me.
In
conclusion, I seek that the eyes of my heart be ever, adoringly, on God. The
fulfilment of my vow of chastity will depend especially upon a faithful prayer
life. An engaged prayer life will beget a meaningful apostolic life, and the
apostolic life will feed my prayer. Fidelity, integrity, devotion, and, most
importantly, love will equip me to joyfully follow Christ the King, the
Servant, and the Lamb.
Remember, my soul, that God is good.
Conclusion: Vows
On this 27th of June
2025, I ... profess my love of God and my desire to follow our
Lord Jesus Christ wherever he may lead, to give my life to him with the same
freedom and totality with which he gave his own life. In support of this
following, the better to dispose myself to the presence and service of our Most
Holy God, I vow to live the next year according to the counsels of poverty,
chastity, and obedience as I understand them and have described them in these
pages. I beg God for the grace to grow in freedom, virtue, and closeness to him.
I ask especially to have his heart. May it please God to amplify my little
offering according to his promise of abundance.
I ask for the intercession of Mary,
Our Mother of Perpetual Help. Of all my friends in Heaven, especially my patron,
Casimir; my confirmation saint, Francis of Assisi; and Mother Mary Lange. And
of my siblings here on Earth. Glory be to God.
References
As St. Ignatius borrowed freely from the great traditions
which preceded him, so have I borrowed freely from the following:
Society of Jesus.
The Constitutions of the Society of Jesus and Their Complementary Norms: A
Complete English Translation of the Official Latin Texts, Edited by John W.
Padberg, The Institute of Jesuit Sources, 1996, St. Louis, MO.
Antonio M. de Aldama, SJ. An
Introductory Commentary on the Constitutions, Translated by Aloysius J. Owen,
SJ, First Edition, The Institute of Jesuit Sources, 1989, St. Louis, MO.
* Public as in, known by the general populace and not a secret.
Doctrinally, my vows are “private vows” and are not “public vows” because they
are witnessed or received by God personally, not by the public institution of
the church.
** By increase I mean a culture of constantly bettering oneself, moving upwards in one’s career and pay, upgrading one’s possessions, increasing one’s net worth, going on bigger adventures, et cetera. By consumption I mean the culture of finding pleasure primarily in and measuring one’s success or dignity by the consumption of goods and services. For example, seeing a good life as having luxurious foods, a large house, and global vacations. These things are not intrinsically bad; I merely acknowledge that they may confuse the mind as to what is truly good.
Comments
Post a Comment