The Other Brother

 AMDG I, your other brother, a younger son, pleased to do good work in the field, and yet dreaming about the work in my father’s house. To you, my brothers and sisters, who are also hearing the call to sacrifice in the city of Bethlehem. Do you go? Who do you bring with you? 1 Samuel 16 The number 7 represents wholeness. Completeness. Perfection. David was Jesse’s eighth son. Extra. When the great prophet Samuel arrived in Bethlehem and Jesse and his sons were called to purify themselves and attend the sacrifice, David was left out. But David was chosen. Samuel would look upon the seven handsome sons of Jesse and ask, “are these all the sons you have?” Among the sons of my tribe, we have many faithful and one who is a bona fide priest. But we have others who are kept away by some of the church’s most stiff-necked teachings. And we have me. Among the sons of our country, we have many, many sons who are missing from the sacrifice. I think of outcast groups such as gay men (wh...

 AMDG Sometimes people leave you halfway through the wood I, a disciple of Christ, a man in love with my Lord and Creator, caught up in passion for creation and service, and uncertain about sharing the journey with others. To you, my friends, my fellow adventurers, who have met me on the way. I’ve lost a few people over the last six months. A young friend mysteriously and worryingly ghosted our whole friend group. He had been busy with work and school but his silence was unprecedented and continues to be a source of concern for us. One of my best friends pulled away and then also ghosted me. He’s older, so in some ways I am less worried for him, but the sense of loss and confusion were much greater. An older relative of mine passed away after a long illness. I had seen her only sparingly over the last several years, and she had a steady and reassuring faith, so I have been able to approach her death with peace and hope. One of my favorite musicals is Into the Woods. I expe...

AMDG I, a soul rejoicing, to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ: Hallelujah! Happy Easter!! Oh glorious day. How blessed we are! Although life has been rocky, my Lent has been okay. This year, as with last year, I’ve avoided challenging penances, which I’ve discovered are more distracting and stressful than helpful. The result is a Lent which is no more or less prayerful, but an Easter which finds me less exhausted and less consumed by the return to normal practice. Rather, I find that the readings at daily mass guide my spirit to the mood I associate with Lent, and by the end of 40 days I am in a somber place, ready for that vivid crescendo into the resurrection. This week I was blessed to be required to attend my own parish’s Holy Thursday observance. Instead of the rather fun and prayerful pilgrimage I wanted to make in the city, I attended a 7 PM mass followed by adoration. Along with two sisters, I chose to keep watch with the tabernacle, set up in our community room, with...

 AMDG I, a man among men and women of many colors and stripes, sometimes the wolf in sheepskin and sometimes the sheep in wolfskin, all of us godly creatures of flesh and blood, to you, my fellow authentic human being, made with God’s signature, called to Greatness. I wish you joy, peace, and… discomfort. A few years ago I moved far enough across the country to completely disrupt my social life. I made the majority of my new, real friends through my parish, and it was good. These are good friends, although changing circumstances have put a little more distance between us. My friends are also, from what I can tell, largely moderates or conservatives in their religious and social beliefs. Thus, it’s not uncommon for them to bring up gender ideology, homosexuals, which inclusive Catholic celebrity is causing a schism in the church, blah blah blah. As someone who chooses his battles, in these situations I most often either stay silent and let it blow over or I insert a respectfully...

AMDG I, a would-be-theologian and aspiring intellectual who is more intuitively a gardener and a daydreamer, to you, my fellow dreamer and student. Grace and peace. Since January 1 st , I have been following Fr. Mike Schmitz’s Catechism in a Year program. Paragraphs 309-314, “Providence and the Scandal of Evil,” were particularly good. (You can find the episode here or read just the subject text here ). The authors don’t address the whole topic of evil, and in fact acknowledge that “…no quick answer will suffice. Only Christian faith as a whole constitutes the answer to this question…” Yet in the context of God as a good—or the good —Parent, Creator, and Provider, the authors explain how God does not merely stand by and allow us to suffer in the consequences of all our unrighteous free choices, but in God’s providence God often raises good out of the evil. About the same time Catechism in a Year made it to this section, dark news about Jean Vanier swept through the church. Strong...

 AMDG I, a servant of the Lord, joyful to do his will despite the hardships that have come so far, to you, my brothers, sisters, neighbors, strangers. Grace and peace to you wherever you are. If things had gone differently last summer, that is, if I were allowed to apply to join the Jesuits, I would have submitted my application over the summer or fall. It probably would have been reviewed at the December candidate review board meeting. This is bold to say, but birth-sex aside I think my application would have been approved. I would now be in the interview process, speaking with Jesuits, doing evaluations, and attending retreats, all the while anticipating an August 2023 entrance to the novitiate. How different things would be. As I suspect has come across in my writings, I have experienced blessings upon blessings this fall and winter. At some point over the winter I also got so absorbed in some personal projects and daydreams that my mission in the church took second fidd...

AMDG I, a soul who has come so far and struggled for so long, who would conceal himself for evermore and pretend he is not the man he was before; to you, my friend on the stage of life, bearing wounds I will never see and fighting battles I cannot imagine. I intended to write in this blog much more about my spiritual formation, but am finding that I share rather more of my thoughts and experiences. Like Peter and John in Acts 3, this is what I have, and so this is what I will give. I love the musical Les Miserables. After seeing the film adaptation in 2012, I read an English translation of the book by Victor Hugo (over the course of 4 years. It was a big book.). The movie is one which I come back to again and again. It is spiritually transfixing and emotionally cathartic, and I relate to so many of the characters: Javert for his moral perfectionism, Jean Valjean for his ceaseless hard work, Enroljas and his band for their fervor, Cosette for her shelteredness, Marius for his earnestnes...

AMDG I, a man (like a bear) safe and warm in his cave, seeing the snow blanket the earth in white, watching the stuff glitter in the air, hearing the wind howl, to you, Reader, wherever you are, warm in your cave or cold in the wind. Love and peace to you, and Christmas greetings. We raise our hearts in thanks to the Lord who has given us so much, even himself. I hope it makes you leap for joy to be so near to one so great! Rejoice! Lately I have known a certain unease in how easy things have been for me. Despite being unacceptable to the church as a religious candidate, I have felt the warmth of Jesuit and Franciscan men affirming and encouraging me. In the valley, I have met a marvelous friend. Within my community, I have found that my bishop is LGBTQ-friendly, my pastor preaches unity, my city is full of allies, and my workplace is proudly queer. I have found prominent voices in the church decrying the marginalization of LGBTQ people and I have found backstage hands also working...

AMDG I, a creature with one foot in the world and one in the Heavens, to you, my brothers and sisters in this crazy, worldly, divine life. Hope, faith, joy, and peace to you on this fourth Sunday of Advent! I hope you cannot be tired, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, of the theme of love. An American Paradigm We operate here in the USA under a paradigm of earning our way. We believe in hard work and just reward. Not only is there is an idealistic grace to this, but in a darker way it also permeates every other part of our lives. Tying it into my vocation story, for example, I had an unconscious certitude that I could earn my place in a religious order: if they saw what a good man and earnest Catholic I am, surely they could find a place for me. I also find myself trying to earn my relationships, wondering about how much I am giving versus receiving; if I am deserving; what I can do for the other to justify the relationship. As a white, middle class youth and man, I have for ...

 AMDG I, a Catholic in the United States, to you, my unknown cosmopolitan reader. Grace and peace! This week I participate in our wonderful spiritual and secular tradition of thanksgiving. Nothing more and nothing less. I have had some wonderful trips and adventures this year. I am thankful for a Charismatic parish retreat last fall, the Encounter Conference in December (recommended), and the Jesuit ordination weekend this summer. For some major vacation-travel, some minor outings, as well as the local hikes and walks. For all the moments when I just sat on my porch or took a moment outside our daily mass chapel to take in the ordinary beauty of the day. I am thankful for all the fun events I attended with the Jesuit vocation team, friends, and coworkers. For hearing the birds sing. I thank God for the job I left and the ways it challenged me to grow. I am extremely grateful for my new job, for the work I do and for the ripple effects of a greatly improved work-life balance....

AMDG I, a creature in awe of Christ the King, fearful and loyal and enraptured, to you, my brothers and sisters carrying your crosses beside me in hope of the same glory. Today I relate two simple stories. Recently I got up the courage to talk to my pastor about having a vocation and being transgender. I had been putting it off for weeks, and finally got up the courage to send a text. (I find that texts are great for committing oneself despite fear.) Finally I stayed after daily mass and we had a brief chat. When I gave him my elevator-length story, he paused a moment before beginning to share his ideas and recommendations for how I might pursue my vocation to brotherhood. A good man! Not that long ago I also shared being transgender with one of my best friends, who I have known only a few years. She already knew I had entered discernment so it was easier to commit myself to an honest explanation of the result, yet I struggled more to find my tongue. Maybe because she is more patient, ...

AMDG  I, a slave of Christ, small by all measures and yet chosen by him for some mysterious end, to you, my sister or brother, who are chosen also for the glory of God. Grace and peace. We know that it is good to be open to the Spirit. Scripture is rife with examples of people who literally drop what they are doing to obey the prompting of the Spirit: Philip with the Ethiopian Eunuch comes to mind, as well as the calling of James and John. Many of the prophets, too. These exemplars point to a life lived moment to moment, not planning too much for the future because we wait expectantly on God, confident in his designs. Yet this is, for most of us, an extreme. Surely a lot of scheming went into the rebuilding of Jerusalem after the return of the Babylonian exiles; Paul must have employed his own mind in much of his mission work; etc. We make plans big and small without infringing upon the sovereignty of God. Ideally, our process includes prayer and our plans are open to the interve...

AMDG I, a fool in love, graced to hear God in scripture, word, and prayer, to you, the kind soul who will listen to and walk with me. Recently, over a period of only a few days, I witnessed the stories from scripture of many unclean people. At the same time, I have been wrestling with my own role in bringing myself and other transgender Catholics into full, consummate communion with the church. I started writing in the middle of it, and here is how God brought it together. Unclean Figures The first person I encountered was the Hemorrhaging Woman. Following a special reading from Mark 5 , the preacher dug into the woman’s suffering, pointing out that she had probably not been able to come to church for 12 years due to her condition. After her healing, when Jesus asked who touched him, she had to overcome both “tears and fears:” it was a scandal for her to be out and worse that she had touched the Teacher, making him unclean. She had to confront her shame and embarrassment as wel...

16 October 2022 AMDG I, an ambitious servant of the Lord, wounded in the world and yet hopeful in God’s providence, to you, the Reader, pilgrim of the internet. In my slow journey through the Bible, I recently started into Paul’s letters. I was struck by the following: “We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. … Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…” (2 Corinthians 4:8-12, 16-17) ...