The Other Brother

  AMDG I, a seeker after the richness of God’s being, transfixed by the beauty of creation and the mystery of human life, to you, reader, seeker, pilgrim. Peace, hope, and grace to you on this morning of Lent. I am taking a break from outreach, which is going steadily. I have received a few warm or mild responses so far, which is encouraging. I only pray that the church may continue to learn by encounter, prayer, and reflection; and that she be protected from a spirit of fear. What I’m writing about is something else. If you would have asked me how I was doing this January, I would have tried, with great feeling, to explain an odd sensation I had. An okay numbness. A strange peace. The absence of familiar pain. If you’ve ever fractured a rib, you know that it’s quite painful to cough or to laugh, for months. You get used to it. I remember the first time I coughed, and it didn’t hurt. This was similar, but different. I realized that the old wound of rejection had finally scarr...

 AMDG I, your least brother, to you, my beloved brethren, grace and peace. I hope the Christmas and epiphany seasons continue to bless you with light and warmth. When I was discontinued from my vocation track, one of the first things I did was search Google and Facebook for groups of similar people, anyone who had asked to join and gotten the answer, "no." I knew that a lot of people are rebuffed, and I was convinced that if there could be Facebook groups for all manner of triviality, surely there would be one for people processing this grief. For better or worse, I found none. Instead I have come to awareness of the interpersonal network, like the collective roots of a forest, stretching out from those whom I know to well beyond the horizon of my imagination. There is something beautiful about it, every fiber a lovingly formed connection. Every node resting in its own context. I am going to begin an outreach effort. I would like to support other trans people with religious v...

 AMDG Brothers and Sisters, I, a pilgrim standing still as my God comes to me, to you, who walk beside me. The Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace of our Lord God, through Christ his son, to each of you. And MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I am going to share with you something that I struggle with, that I suspect a lot of you struggle with in one way or another as well. But I’ll speak for myself. The conventional church names me a sinner. Not in the general way of all mankind. Not for my pride or selfishness or gluttony. But because of the medical, legal, and social choices I made to live as a man despite the female characteristics I was born with; that is, to live fully alive. In some sense, I experience this judgement as a hidden figure, pieced together through the scars and stories and activism that swirl up around it. I also experience it more acutely, as in the following three examples. I have heard two recordings in the last few months from Fr. Mike Schmitz in which he firmly asserted that...

AMDG I, a disciple far from home, gazing upon white skies and strong trees shedding their golden mantles, to you, my brothers and sisters across the country. Peace to you and your kin. The Jesuits aim to desire neither riches nor poverty, health nor sickness, but only that which glorifies God and accomplishes God’s will. I think I could suitably add: Jesus, help me to desire neither greatness nor smallness . And in fact, thinking of St. Ignatius laboring over paperwork while his best friend sailed for the foreign missions, I wonder if he didn’t pray the same thing. Smallness This October, I was captivated with what was happening in Rome: a synodal gathering of Bishops, strengthened by the inclusion of women, lay people, and some other clerics. It was a global convention of the church to discuss how to go about being church. This is part 2 of 3 in a multi-year process and one cannot escape the understanding that it is an historic moment in church history. One senses the Spirit a...

  AMDG I, your brother in Christ, to you, my brothers and sisters at home and scattered abroad. Grace and peace. I visited Vatican City once, ten years ago, and I remember St. Peter’s Square. I remember looking up at the rooftop encircling me and seeing the statues of saints evenly spaced. It was uplifting to feel surrounded by these holy men and women who preceded me. Occasionally in church we read or sing a whole litany of saints. At the right frequency it invokes a sense of solidarity stretching over the millennia and every corner of the world. Back when I was convicted of my desire to join religious life and planned to tell the vocations director that I was transgender, I began praying a litany of saints every night, asking for their intercession. It was a conglomeration of all the Jesuit saints and blesseds and personal write-ins, to which I’ve continued to add. In advance of All Saints and All Souls Days coming up, I share a few particular, favorite saints: Saints Fra...

 AMDG I, one swept up in the tumult of a busy life, to you, my fellow swept up, busy people. Greetings amidst the dust and the chaos. I hardly sat down to write in September. My Sunday mornings were spent recovering from putting down one of my cats, meeting a friend for a mass in his language, and writing to my bishop since he told me to “keep in touch” (Dear Your Excellency… I hope you have been enjoying the fine weather). While I don’t like the strain of having so much to do that I have to neglect things I like, I do find a satisfaction in seeing so many wheels turning. I am a visual person, so imagine this with me: I have a front “porch” consisting of concrete steps and an awning with just enough room on either side of the front door to leave a patio chair. I sit there a lot during work, especially on cool days when the afternoon sun feels good. Right next to the steps I have canna lilies, which are tall plants bearing large, bright red flowers. Occasionally hummingbirds wil...

 AMDG I, a traveler at rest (with COVID), to you, my brothers and sisters throughout the lands, greetings and wishes of good health to you all. At weekday mass not too long ago we heard from 2 Corinthians 4, a remarkably consoling and poetic passage. It is also the passage with which I began this blog, and hearing it reminded me that a year ago I was already preparing my blog. As I sit on my porch now, enjoying a refreshingly mild morning with laptop on lap, I remember sitting in the same place last year and typing my vocation story to send to the Jesuit vocations director. When I finished the story, I began the blog. I spent time reflecting on the last year. It’s been a poundcake year, and this post will just share a few big ideas. One thing I realized recently is that I’m doing it. I’ve gotten involved in ministries I wanted to be in, I’m learning things I wanted to learn, I’m deeply involved in the sacramental life of my church, etc. It’s not perfect. It’s messy. And I’m a...

 I, a sinner held up by grace, led on my unique path to holiness by the hand of the Creator, to my brothers and sisters, in whom God delights to grow all the diversity of virtues. I had the opportunity this summer to see a garden of lotuses in bloom. Lotus flowers are beautiful in their own right and steeped in religious and cultural symbolism. The plants grow in marshy pools, but the leaves and petals are hydrophobic so they shed all the muddy water. When the buds open, the robust flowers seem to glow of their own accord, standing in stark contrast to the entropic murk all around. It is as if to say, life is messy, but we can be pure of heart . Yes, this message impressed itself strongly upon me. For one thing, it harmonized with another lesson I have been learning the last few weeks. I decided to be active in LGBTQ issues soon after falling out of the vocation program out of a natural passion to help future generations of trans would-be-religious. And yet tied up in this is t...

AMDG I, your brother in Christ, united to you in love and in the mercy of God, across lines of politics or race or creed, to you, my beloved brothers and sisters. Grace and peace to you. I wrote last about a very rich weekend I had. Besides my time amongst the Jesuits, I was able to meet up with another vowed religious friend, who gave me a gift. He had been speaking with a member of the Society of St. Francis, a community of vowed religious brothers in the Episcopal church, and found out that this brotherhood was not opposed to admitting a transgender man. So he passed on the brother’s contact information that we might connect. I have never really church-shopped. As a cradle Catholic, I am as much at home in the church as I am amongst my family, and I bear the difficult aspects of the church the way I might bear the difficult aspects of my family. Other churches that I have visited with friends or passed on the street were lovely but never held any attraction. When I got my “no”...

 AMDG I, an apostle of Christ Triumphant, exiled by the law and yet welcomed by the living church, to you, my brothers and sisters. We are at home always and everywhere in the heart of God. June brought mixed feelings for me. One year ago, I attended an ordination weekend “come and see” event, a mountaintop experience in which I gave my whole-hearted “yes” to my vocation. June is also when men all over the world are ordained to the priesthood. June some ten years ago is when I first experienced a festive celebration of Corpus Christi in another country. And June of last year is also when I came out to the vocations director and things changed. If June 28 th is the one year anniversary of this death, then the coming summer months will be the one year anniversary of my new life. Reminisces Let me share with you a little of my experience of the ordination weekend last year. Reading through my journal reminded me of the surging joy, vividity, and rightness of the experience of...

 AMDG I, your other brother, a younger son, pleased to do good work in the field, and yet dreaming about the work in my father’s house. To you, my brothers and sisters, who are also hearing the call to sacrifice in the city of Bethlehem. Do you go? Who do you bring with you? 1 Samuel 16 The number 7 represents wholeness. Completeness. Perfection. David was Jesse’s eighth son. Extra. When the great prophet Samuel arrived in Bethlehem and Jesse and his sons were called to purify themselves and attend the sacrifice, David was left out. But David was chosen. Samuel would look upon the seven handsome sons of Jesse and ask, “are these all the sons you have?” Among the sons of my tribe, we have many faithful and one who is a bona fide priest. But we have others who are kept away by some of the church’s most stiff-necked teachings. And we have me. Among the sons of our country, we have many, many sons who are missing from the sacrifice. I think of outcast groups such as gay men (wh...

 AMDG Sometimes people leave you halfway through the wood I, a disciple of Christ, a man in love with my Lord and Creator, caught up in passion for creation and service, and uncertain about sharing the journey with others. To you, my friends, my fellow adventurers, who have met me on the way. I’ve lost a few people over the last six months. A young friend mysteriously and worryingly ghosted our whole friend group. He had been busy with work and school but his silence was unprecedented and continues to be a source of concern for us. One of my best friends pulled away and then also ghosted me. He’s older, so in some ways I am less worried for him, but the sense of loss and confusion were much greater. An older relative of mine passed away after a long illness. I had seen her only sparingly over the last several years, and she had a steady and reassuring faith, so I have been able to approach her death with peace and hope. One of my favorite musicals is Into the Woods. I expe...

AMDG I, a soul rejoicing, to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ: Hallelujah! Happy Easter!! Oh glorious day. How blessed we are! Although life has been rocky, my Lent has been okay. This year, as with last year, I’ve avoided challenging penances, which I’ve discovered are more distracting and stressful than helpful. The result is a Lent which is no more or less prayerful, but an Easter which finds me less exhausted and less consumed by the return to normal practice. Rather, I find that the readings at daily mass guide my spirit to the mood I associate with Lent, and by the end of 40 days I am in a somber place, ready for that vivid crescendo into the resurrection. This week I was blessed to be required to attend my own parish’s Holy Thursday observance. Instead of the rather fun and prayerful pilgrimage I wanted to make in the city, I attended a 7 PM mass followed by adoration. Along with two sisters, I chose to keep watch with the tabernacle, set up in our community room, with...

 AMDG I, a man among men and women of many colors and stripes, sometimes the wolf in sheepskin and sometimes the sheep in wolfskin, all of us godly creatures of flesh and blood, to you, my fellow authentic human being, made with God’s signature, called to Greatness. I wish you joy, peace, and… discomfort. A few years ago I moved far enough across the country to completely disrupt my social life. I made the majority of my new, real friends through my parish, and it was good. These are good friends, although changing circumstances have put a little more distance between us. My friends are also, from what I can tell, largely moderates or conservatives in their religious and social beliefs. Thus, it’s not uncommon for them to bring up gender ideology, homosexuals, which inclusive Catholic celebrity is causing a schism in the church, blah blah blah. As someone who chooses his battles, in these situations I most often either stay silent and let it blow over or I insert a respectfully...

AMDG I, a would-be-theologian and aspiring intellectual who is more intuitively a gardener and a daydreamer, to you, my fellow dreamer and student. Grace and peace. Since January 1 st , I have been following Fr. Mike Schmitz’s Catechism in a Year program. Paragraphs 309-314, “Providence and the Scandal of Evil,” were particularly good. (You can find the episode here or read just the subject text here ). The authors don’t address the whole topic of evil, and in fact acknowledge that “…no quick answer will suffice. Only Christian faith as a whole constitutes the answer to this question…” Yet in the context of God as a good—or the good —Parent, Creator, and Provider, the authors explain how God does not merely stand by and allow us to suffer in the consequences of all our unrighteous free choices, but in God’s providence God often raises good out of the evil. About the same time Catechism in a Year made it to this section, dark news about Jean Vanier swept through the church. Strong...

 AMDG I, a servant of the Lord, joyful to do his will despite the hardships that have come so far, to you, my brothers, sisters, neighbors, strangers. Grace and peace to you wherever you are. If things had gone differently last summer, that is, if I were allowed to apply to join the Jesuits, I would have submitted my application over the summer or fall. It probably would have been reviewed at the December candidate review board meeting. This is bold to say, but birth-sex aside I think my application would have been approved. I would now be in the interview process, speaking with Jesuits, doing evaluations, and attending retreats, all the while anticipating an August 2023 entrance to the novitiate. How different things would be. As I suspect has come across in my writings, I have experienced blessings upon blessings this fall and winter. At some point over the winter I also got so absorbed in some personal projects and daydreams that my mission in the church took second fidd...

AMDG I, a soul who has come so far and struggled for so long, who would conceal himself for evermore and pretend he is not the man he was before; to you, my friend on the stage of life, bearing wounds I will never see and fighting battles I cannot imagine. I intended to write in this blog much more about my spiritual formation, but am finding that I share rather more of my thoughts and experiences. Like Peter and John in Acts 3, this is what I have, and so this is what I will give. I love the musical Les Miserables. After seeing the film adaptation in 2012, I read an English translation of the book by Victor Hugo (over the course of 4 years. It was a big book.). The movie is one which I come back to again and again. It is spiritually transfixing and emotionally cathartic, and I relate to so many of the characters: Javert for his moral perfectionism, Jean Valjean for his ceaseless hard work, Enroljas and his band for their fervor, Cosette for her shelteredness, Marius for his earnestnes...

AMDG I, a man (like a bear) safe and warm in his cave, seeing the snow blanket the earth in white, watching the stuff glitter in the air, hearing the wind howl, to you, Reader, wherever you are, warm in your cave or cold in the wind. Love and peace to you, and Christmas greetings. We raise our hearts in thanks to the Lord who has given us so much, even himself. I hope it makes you leap for joy to be so near to one so great! Rejoice! Lately I have known a certain unease in how easy things have been for me. Despite being unacceptable to the church as a religious candidate, I have felt the warmth of Jesuit and Franciscan men affirming and encouraging me. In the valley, I have met a marvelous friend. Within my community, I have found that my bishop is LGBTQ-friendly, my pastor preaches unity, my city is full of allies, and my workplace is proudly queer. I have found prominent voices in the church decrying the marginalization of LGBTQ people and I have found backstage hands also working...

AMDG I, a creature with one foot in the world and one in the Heavens, to you, my brothers and sisters in this crazy, worldly, divine life. Hope, faith, joy, and peace to you on this fourth Sunday of Advent! I hope you cannot be tired, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, of the theme of love. An American Paradigm We operate here in the USA under a paradigm of earning our way. We believe in hard work and just reward. Not only is there is an idealistic grace to this, but in a darker way it also permeates every other part of our lives. Tying it into my vocation story, for example, I had an unconscious certitude that I could earn my place in a religious order: if they saw what a good man and earnest Catholic I am, surely they could find a place for me. I also find myself trying to earn my relationships, wondering about how much I am giving versus receiving; if I am deserving; what I can do for the other to justify the relationship. As a white, middle class youth and man, I have for ...

 AMDG I, a Catholic in the United States, to you, my unknown cosmopolitan reader. Grace and peace! This week I participate in our wonderful spiritual and secular tradition of thanksgiving. Nothing more and nothing less. I have had some wonderful trips and adventures this year. I am thankful for a Charismatic parish retreat last fall, the Encounter Conference in December (recommended), and the Jesuit ordination weekend this summer. For some major vacation-travel, some minor outings, as well as the local hikes and walks. For all the moments when I just sat on my porch or took a moment outside our daily mass chapel to take in the ordinary beauty of the day. I am thankful for all the fun events I attended with the Jesuit vocation team, friends, and coworkers. For hearing the birds sing. I thank God for the job I left and the ways it challenged me to grow. I am extremely grateful for my new job, for the work I do and for the ripple effects of a greatly improved work-life balance....

AMDG I, a creature in awe of Christ the King, fearful and loyal and enraptured, to you, my brothers and sisters carrying your crosses beside me in hope of the same glory. Today I relate two simple stories. Recently I got up the courage to talk to my pastor about having a vocation and being transgender. I had been putting it off for weeks, and finally got up the courage to send a text. (I find that texts are great for committing oneself despite fear.) Finally I stayed after daily mass and we had a brief chat. When I gave him my elevator-length story, he paused a moment before beginning to share his ideas and recommendations for how I might pursue my vocation to brotherhood. A good man! Not that long ago I also shared being transgender with one of my best friends, who I have known only a few years. She already knew I had entered discernment so it was easier to commit myself to an honest explanation of the result, yet I struggled more to find my tongue. Maybe because she is more patient, ...